Face It, Girl, You Need a Friend

“…woe to him who is alone when he falls
and has not another to lift him up!”

Ecclesiastes 4:10b

In the latest issue of Tabletalk Magazine, Nöel Piper, wife of pastor John Piper, shares openly about her struggle to drop the mask, lower her defenses, and allow friends close enough to truly love her. I would imagine that each of us as women can learn something from her story… 

Over the years, when my husband and I have tried to untangle some of the snarls in my life, sometimes he’s ventured to ask, “Nöel, don’t you think it might help to have some women around you to offer other perspectives and to pray for you and maybe give some helpful suggestions?”

I knew he must be right because King Solomon said the same thing…in Ecclesiastes 4:9-10a, that it’s good to have friends because they support each other: “Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow.”

…So my mouth said to my husband, “That’s a wise idea.” But my heart cringed at the thought of letting people close enough to poke around in my weaknesses, my mistakes, my faults, and my inadequacies. I decided that I needed to get my life sorted out, then I could include friends–someday, when I could be a giver instead of a taker. “I ought to be able to manage all this,” I thought…

Then came the day in the counselor’s office when he said, “Tell me the names of four or five godly women you’d be willing to be totally open with.” I rolled the eyes of my heart. Not this again.

I told him who those women would be (if I were going to be totally open with someone). I thought: “He’s going to counsel me to think about drawing them around me sometime soon. I’ll say OK and then drag my feet a few weeks until we’ve moved on to other things.”

But he didn’t leave me that escape route. Instead, he said: “When you get home, contact them today. Ask each woman if she can commit to be here with you at our appointments, starting next time. Their wisdom will be part of our conversation. And they will be a support to you in the days between appointments.”

“Right,” I thought pessimistically. “Those are busy women. They have their own problems to deal with. I’d be presumptuous asking so much time from them.”

But I did as I was told. I went home and emailed four women a message that boiled down to this: “My life is a mess. Will you help me? But I know you’re really busy, so please say no if that’s best for you.”

I pressed the send button, hoping they’d all say they couldn’t. That thought was barely complete before the replies showed up in my inbox–four people who said they felt inadequate because of their own struggles, but they were honored and would be with me at the counselor’s office on Monday. 

As minimal as my email confession had been, it was enough to poke a small hole through the curtain I’d been living behind–the screen that allowed an audience to see only a shadowy outline of me. On my side of the curtain, I was amazed to sense the thin beam of light and the breeze of fresh air making their way through the hole.

Already I could breathe a little more easily because now there were four women with whom I could start to relax, since I wouldn’t need to maintain with them the tension of projecting or protecting an image of the person I thought I ought to be.

Yes, this would be good in the long run, but in the meantime, what? The day came to meet with the women and the counselor…

In that session and in the days to come, as these friends opened themselves to me, my heart warmed to them and I felt more and more freedom with them. We came to trust each other with the tender places of our hearts.

In Proverbs 27:9, Solomon might have been writing about my friends: “Oil and perfume make the heart glad, and the sweetness of a friend comes from his earnest counsel.” God used them to make my heart glad…

I was sixty years old when this story began–when I was forced to have friends. I am ashamed that, until then, I could have remained so ignorant of what God intended friendship to be. At the same time, I am filled with gratitude that God didn’t leave me alone…

I am still an introvert. My dream day still is a day by myself, but only once in a while. I thank God for the women he gave me when I needed to receive friendship. I pray that God will shape my heart to give friendship like they do–like Jesus told us to: “By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another” (John 13:35).

Jesus said, “I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you” (John 15:15). He is the one I most want as a friend. I don’t want ever to be totally alone, without Jesus. I thank God for friends who have shown me Jesus’ kind of love. They have been an appetizer for the feast of Jesus’ friendship.

Photo: ilker

4 thoughts on “Face It, Girl, You Need a Friend

  1. what? no comments here yet?!
    I can totally relate. It’s tough. I think I actually stated out loud years and years ago to an acquaintance (after admittedly being burned and angered by a close friend) that I believed I didn’t NEED “friends.” I teeter between this notion (not that I can handle it all on my own, but that I and the Lord and now my husband most definitely can knock it down) and the idea that if I even “graciously permit” (ha! that’s a joke!) others into my life / world that I will have to add that other burden to my plate. Not sure how much that makes sense. Short version is that I tend to take a little pride in being an introvert and even when I think I need to work on being an extrovert, I talk myself out of it because of the work it will involve (my being vulnerable and my being a friend at all times to another). Ouch. That’s the truth of who I am and what I struggle with. Glad to know I’m not the only one and someone “higher up the sanctification ladder” struggles with it as well.

  2. I read this and I feel torn. Torn because yes, I need friends, and this speaks to me and I long for them, but I don’t know how to do it. I don’t know how to make friends. Anytime I try to have friendships there isn’t a connection there. We don’t draw closer. I feel like I am reaching out and that no one is really interested. After a while, you quit trying, because it hurts too much. Sometimes I wonder, do I not have friends because of some choice I have secretly hidden inside that I am not even conscious of, am I somehow without realizing it driving people away from me? Or, am I really just unfriendable? Eventually, you just kinda give up and go it alone and stop thinking about it. Wow, what a depressing comment. This post obviously hit some hurts in me.

  3. Thanks for sharing this. God created us to be in fellowship with one another. That doesn’t always happen easily, but is so worth the effort in the end.

  4. Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this topic. Alison and Kelli, I can relate to both of you in some ways. I’ve found it can be quite difficult to form solid friendships with other Christian women. Aside from my years at college where friendships seem to form more naturally and easily, most of my life has been marked by both a desire for and a lack of good friendships. Honestly, at times I allowed this lack of friendship to become an idol in my life where I was so focused on what I didn’t have that I refused to be content with what I did have. I think the Lord has used this pain to help me learn how to worship Him more fully and also to make me aware of the need to reach out to others in friendship. Kelli, I can totally relate to wanting to quit trying after experiencing rejection multiple times, and I can also relate to your struggle, Alison, with finding it difficult to open up to others.

    I truly believe that God is more greatly glorified when we form deep bonds with other believers. Sometimes that’s harder to do than others, but I believe that the Lord wants us to continue praying and trying. Kelli, I’m praying that the Lord will provide you with some godly women with whom you can share your life’s joys & sorrows. Over the last 7 years, I’ve experienced a lot of loneliness in regard to friendship. A few years back, the Lord provided me with a lady from my church who was older than me to be my friend and mentor. She met with me every other week to pray with me and for me. Even though it wasn’t the kind of relationship I pictured when I imagined what a friendship would look like, she was a true God-send to me in that time. Perhaps the Lord is preparing such a friend for you. You might consider seeking out a mentor at your church; women who’ve spent more years serving the Lord can be a great source of wisdom and encouragement.

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