I don’t imagine that too many of us are unaware of the frustrations caused by male/female communication differences. Although we’re quite familiar with how these differences affect marriages and dating relationships, we probably don’t recognize as quickly how different conversational styles can sometimes contribute to conflict within the church.
In her article, “Communication between Men and Women in the Context of the Christian Community,” Rhonda H. Kelley discusses gender communication differences and provides a few tips on how Christian men and women can learn to communicate more effectively with one another…
- Become aware of your own communication style. Each person has a unique style of communication. Listen to your own speech. Evaluate your words, your tone of voice, and your body language. Compare your own communication style with that of individuals whom you judge to be effective communicators. Self-evaluation is an important first step in improving gender communication…
- Understand the communication style of the opposite sex. You may be unfamiliar with the unique communication style of the other gender. Listen carefully to the opposite sex around you–your spouse, your child, your parent, and your friends. Make observations in their conversation. What do they say? How do they say it? When do they speak? Why do they speak? Discuss these conversational differences at an appropriate time, not when conflict arises. Try to determine if your perceptions are accurate. Then you are ready to make some changes in order to communicate more effectively with the opposite sex.
Bill Smith, the minister of education at a growing church, began to notice that the only lady on the finance committee never made a comment during the meetings. However, before and after the meetings, she talked freely with members about the committee’s work. In fact, she had some unique perspectives and some good ideas. Bro. Smith decided to discuss his observations with her. She agreed that she was much more comfortable talking in private than in public. After some discussion, Bro. Smith encouraged her to share her thoughts with the committee. His understanding of her hesitancy to speak in front of the group led to improved communication among all members of the committee.
- Adjust to those conversational styles. You may think it is impossible to change the way you communicate since you have been talking that way for years. Remember that communication is a learned behavior and behavior can be modified! If you tend to lecture or “report-talk”, maybe you should work on better listening and discussing feelings not just facts. If you tend to speak in vague generalities, maybe you should work on more detail and specific information in your conversation. If your indirect body language is confusing your verbal message, maybe you should consciously work on gestures that clarify and confirm your words. Both men and women should work on improving their communication…
- Alter your conversational style to fit the context. Effective communication is adapted appropriately to fit the setting. Some comments are best made in private while others can be shared in public. Some statements are appropriate for a group at church while others should be made to your best friend.
Mary Jones always had something to say in her couples Sunday School class. Whatever the topic, she always had a comment. She rarely answered a question, but typically expressed her opinion. One Sunday morning she noticed her classmates rolled their eyes as she raised her hand. Several members looked at each other and smiled. She realized that she was talking too much in Sunday School. The next Sunday Mary decided that she could only make one comment during class. She carefully evaluated her thoughts before talking and adapted her style of communication.
- Don’t assume that the opposite sex understands your message. Just because the message is clear to you does not mean that it is clear to the listener. In fact, one of the biggest mistakes in communication is assumption. It is always best to explain the message thoroughly than run the risk of being misunderstood…
- Don’t criticize others who communicate in a different way. It is a human tendency to think “my way is the best way.” In the area of communication, remember that different conversational styles are not bad. Different is simply different. Accept the differences and adjust when needed.
In marriage, the husband and wife must understand each other’s style of communication. While the husband may have no need to discuss his feelings about a specific situation, the wife may want to talk it out. A husband may want to confront conflict, while the wife may try to avoid it. When a husband comes home, he may sit in his recliner chair to relax, but his wife may want to talk about the day. Steps must be taken to improve communication between husband and wife without assigning blame. Be careful not to criticize the communicative style of your spouse or fail to meet your spouse’s communicative needs.
What have you learned about communicating more effectively with men?
Photo: Svilen Milev
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